Not much to say but...

Joy

"At the beginning joy is just a feeling that our own situation is workable. We stop looking for a more suitable place to be. We've discovered that the continual search for something better does not work out. This doesn't mean that there are suddenly flowers growing where before there were only rocks. It means we have confidence that something will grow here."

- Pema Chodron

I read this the other day and it really spoke to me. The past few months have been really hard - trying to "see" myself as a full time single father, what that means, what the future holds, etc. There has been an awful lot of mental thrashing going on as a result - thinking that moving would be a good idea, maybe trying to find a different job, on and on, but the truth is, none of those things would "make" me happy.

It's important right now to practice acceptance of how things are this day, this moment. Not acceptance in a passive, go-ahead-and-kick-my-ass-I-won't-complain way, but acceptance in the sense of honestly viewing the situation without judgment or remorse.

Sometimes staying with the pain is the best way to heal it.

Mysore with Michael

There have been 10 or so people practicing in Michael's Mysore classes the past couple of nights. Big enough to get some good energy going, small enough to get plenty of personal attention. A couple people were beginning to learn the Primary sequence, and the rest of us were doing full Primary or Secondary.

The most moving thing happened last night though. I was going along through my practice and when I got into Marichyasana D, Michael came over and sat down on the floor next to me. This asana is no longer extremely easy for me as I have been self-medicating with a lot of crap food lately making it much further of a reach to bind.

Michael gently pushed my knee down, twisted me further around, and bound my hands. Then he leaned close to me and said, "Breathe... It's okay.... You can let it go." - and I did. About six months of frustration and sadness started coming out and I couldn't even continue. All I could do was just sit there and cry. After a few minutes I was able to continue but it was hard to hold it together for the rest of the time.

When I was leaving, I thanked him and gave him a big hug. He told me, "That was good work tonight - that was a good thing. Let all that go."

I am so grateful.

Michael Gannon

Michael Gannon was in town this past weekend and I had the privilege of attending both four hour workshops he held. I like him a lot as a teacher and a person - he's very serious about the traditional practice and very NOT serious about himself. That's always a good combination for me.

Both days we first did some nauli kriya and then some pre-asana breathing exercises. I've never been real big on the whole yogic breathing aspect of the practice, but I really enjoyed the ones we did. It really seemed to flatten out my mind before practice.

He also talked about how he hoped that we would experience the wisdom and power of the whole lineage of the practice and not focus so much on him being a great teacher. I like that idea - that the energy of the collective "us" gets funneled down each time we step on the mat and start breathing.

Out of the 25 or so people attending there were maybe 3 or 4 of us that had a daily Ashtanga practice. Since it was a lead class both days, he spent most of his time helping out people that were just learning the primary series sequence. Truth be told, I was a little disappointed that he didn't hover around those of that already knew the sequence a little more (yes, I'm being selfish), but it was still great to be able to feel the energy of people practicing around me for a change. For the Sunday class, he led us in a full vinyasa practice. It was the first time I've even attempted to do that and even though it was physically very hard, it was a good experience. It sort of made "sense" mentally of where all those skipped and out of order counts came from in the usual counted practice.

He's doing Mysore classes this week - I'm planning on going Wednesday and Thursday. I would have really, really liked to be there for the Monday and Tuesday Mysore classes, but parental responsibilities said otherwise.

Honestly, I don't know if I would have felt all right going anyway. I'm trying to work through feeling okay about being away from my kids and doing something just for me every once in awhile. Ever since my kids' mother left us, I've been having a lot of difficulty giving myself permission to do things on my own. They are old enough and all that, it's just...*shrug* Over-compensating? Yep.

I really need to get to some kind of mentally healthy place with all that.

Book Awards

From BBC 4:

The Diagram Prize for Oddest Book Title of the Year

1978: Proceedings of the Second International Workshop on Nude Mice (University of Tokyo Press)
1979: The Madam as Entrepreneur: Career Management in House Prostitution (Transaction Press)
1980: The Joy of Chickens (Prentice Hall)
1981: Last Chance at Love: Terminal Romances
1982: Population and Other Problems (China National Publications)
1983: The Theory of Lengthwise Rolling (MIR)
1984: The Book of Marmalade: Its Antecedents, Its History and Its Role in the World Today (Constable)
1985: Natural Bust Enlargement with Total Power: How to Increase the Other 90% of Your Mind to Increase the Size of Your Breasts (Westwood Publishing Co)
1986: Oral Sadism and the Vegetarian Personality (Brunner/Mazel)
1987: No Award
1988: Versailles: The View From Sweden University of Chicago Press)
1989: How to Shit in the Woods: An Environmentally Sound Approach to a Lost Art (Ten Speed Press)
1990: Lesbian Sadomasochism Safety Manual (Lace Publications)
1991: No Award
1992: How to Avoid Huge Ships (Cornwell Maritime Press)
1993: American Bottom Archaeology (University of Illinois Press)
1994: Highlights in the History of Concrete (British Cement Association)
1995: Reusing Old Graves (Shaw & Son)
1996: Greek Rural Postmen and Their Cancellation Numbers (Hellenic Philatelic Society)
1997: The Joy of Sex: Pocket Edition (Mitchell Beazley)
1998: Development in Dairy Cow Breeding and Management: and New Opportunities to Widen the Uses of Straw (Nuffield Farming Scholarship Trust)
1999: Weeds in a Changing World (British Crop Protection Council)
2000: High Performance Stiffened Structures (Professional Engineering Publishing)
2001: Butterworths Corporate Manslaughter Service (Butterworths)
2002: Living With Crazy Buttocks (Kaz Cooke - Penguin)
2003: The Big Book of Lesbian Horse Stories (Kensington Publishing)
2004: Bombproof Your Horse (J A Allen)
2005: People Who Don't Know They're Dead: How They Attach Themselves to Unsuspecting Bystanders and What to Do About It (Gary Leon Hill - Red Wheel/Weiser Books)
2006: The Stray Shopping Carts of Eastern North America: A Guide to Field Identification (Harry N Abrams)
2007: If You Want Closure In Your Relationship, Start With Your Legs (Simon & Schuster US)

Full story here.

The Hermit

I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not....

You are The Hermit

Prudence, Caution, Deliberation.

The Hermit points to all things hidden, such as knowledge and inspiration,hidden enemies. The illumination is from within, and retirement from participation in current events.

The Hermit is a card of introspection, analysis and, well, virginity. You do not desire to socialize; the card indicates, instead, a desire for peace and solitude. You prefer to take the time to think, organize, ruminate, take stock. There may be feelings of frustration and discontent but these feelings eventually lead to enlightenment, illumination, clarity.

The Hermit represents a wise, inspirational person, friend, teacher, therapist. This a person who can shine a light on things that were previously mysterious and confusing.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Chikitsa

Before practice today I felt old, stiff, fat and weak. After practice, none of that really mattered and I felt like a big warm ball of yum. Chikitsa, man.

The kids are visiting their mother tonight so it's a quiet night for me and the dog. Maybe I'll watch a movie - just because I can! Then again, maybe I'll just turn in early.

Trying to gear up for another trip to practice with a certified and/or authorized teacher. My body and mind feel ready.